Hey Everyone! It has been months since I’ve posted anything … Life has been busy and wonderful here in Portugal, and time has a way of disappearing!

I wanted to share a few things that have made my heart sing recently …

First I wanted to send out a few things from The Sober Curator. For those of you who still haven’t been to visit this wonderful site, please take the time to come over, it is a wonderful resource for anyone who is in recovery, newly sober, sober curious, or just dancing around the perimeter.

One of the contributors on the site, a personal friend of mine, Dr. Sarah Michaud, wrote a review about Recovery Road Trip that really touched my heart, and I wanted to share it with you:

Finding Purpose, Connection, and Self-Discovery in Midlife Sobriety

By Dr. Sarah Michaud

After reading Patti Clark’s book, “Recovery Road Trip: Finding Purpose and Connection on the Journey Home“, I finally felt like someone really understood me. The deep illustration of a midlife woman’s road trip across the country to “recover herself” after her estranged father passed away was a profound exploration of a major transition in one’s life. She touches the human heart with integrity, authenticity, and vulnerability in a way that by the end of the book, you feel like you have a new best friend.

In the early pages, we learn that Meg has been sober for several years, but she has hit a wall in her recovery. Life is feeling purposeless, stale, and “the shimmer has gone, and life is hard.” We know she is a seeker, but she acknowledges feeling alone, fearful, confused, and full of a complex form of grief. Coping with the death of an estranged parent, looking at regrets and loss of her own parenting experience and grieving aspects of her unresolved history, she makes the decision to take a road trip. An old friend sets her on her journey in Meg’s inherited old mustang to discover the lost aspects of herself,” the parts I had shut down and dismissed.” She is craving connection, intimacy, healing, joy, and a new sense of meaning in this next stage of life.

At each stop from Montana to Colorado to Wisconsin to Boston, she is reliving childhood memories as well as healing the pain from the past. In each beautiful oasis, we are introduced to unique characters at meetings she attends, or coffee shops she enters, or libraries she explores-all dropping some nugget of wisdom to embrace and integrate into her new life. She asks each precious soul what they believe the meaning of life is. At the end of the winding road across the country, she has put together a list of eight words that will guide her future self. After one “coincidence” after another, the Universe confirms to her that she has found her answer.

To read the rest of this review, or to see many other great reviews of #QuitLit books, hop over to The Sober Curator QuitLit Reviews

And while you’re there, you can check out a couple of my recently published articles:

How Sobriety Strengthens Relationships: Trust, Communication & Emotional Healing

California Sober? Why Replacing Alcohol with Weed May Not Be Safer

This review on Amazon, also made my heart sing! This one from Janet Gourand, founder of Tribe Sober.

5.0 out of 5 stars A Powerful Guide to Recovery and Emotional Insight

Reviewed in the United States on April 1, 2026

As someone who has been on my own “recovery road trip,” I found this book both inspiring and reassuring. It’s a powerful reminder that recovery is not just about stopping a behaviour, but about reconnecting — with ourselves and with others.

I especially appreciated the emphasis on journalling as a way to process emotions and make sense of the journey. This is a gentle, thoughtful book that I believe will resonate with anyone in recovery, as well as those who are simply curious about living more consciously.

I now support others on their recovery journeys and this book is on our reading list

Another thing that really touched my heart was a song I heard yesterday. It’s not a new song, and maybe you’ve already heard it, but man it just cracked me open! It’s a song that Brandi Carlile wrote about her daughter. I heard it at a particular moment when I was thinking about missing my own sons, and it just hit me! It’s called You Without Me. If you haven’t heard it yet, I invite you to listen … but if you are like me, I suggest you have tissues handy!

Thinking of my grown sons when I hear these lyrics …

But I would know you anywhere, I lost myself in you
Heavy are the hands that you are free to slip right through
Do what you have to do

There you are, my morning star, I wondered when you’d show
Give me just a quick thumbs up, a wink before you go
I never heard that voice before today, I remind myself to breathe
There you are, it’s just you without me

I’d love to hear from you - What has touched your heart recently?

I read some news today that brought a smile to my face, the Gallup Poll shows that there is a record low of 54% of people surveyed say that they consume alcohol:

"There is a growing belief among Americans that even moderate alcohol consumption is bad for one’s health; the lowest percentage in the history of the poll”

People in America are finally waking up to the fact that alcohol is toxic … people have been fed a lie by the alcohol industry. Not unlike the tobacco industry in the past. (*if you want to read more about this, you can read an article from the New York Magazine that I wrote in 2024)

If you are just a wee bit Sober Curious, or maybe just tired of waking up hungover at the beginning of a brand new year, perhaps consider joining the Dry January Challenge, TRY DRY, (it’s free) … the results might surprise you!

And if you are looking for more support, come on over to The Sober Curator! It’s full of wonderful supportive content, and amazing badass contributors! Here is a link to their new year newsletter.

Make 2026 the year you leap over and join the New Revolution!

Please feel free to check in with me as you move forward on your journey. I’d love to hear from you!

Hello My Friends

First and foremost let me wish you all a most joyous holiday season.

I’d like to share a couple of things with you - the first is a podcast I was a part of in London earlier this year - with a wonderful organization, Believe In People Podcast, doing great work!

Please do visit their site and have a look through their past podcasts. They are all so good!

You can listen to our episode on the podcast on Spotify, Apple, or YouTube.

It was such a pleasure talking with Matt and working with the entire team !

Our talk covered a lot of ground - here’s how they described it:

In this episode of Believe in People: Addiction, Recovery & Stigma, Patti reflects on a lifetime shaped by silence, trauma, and survival. Growing up in a dysfunctional home in 1970s San Francisco - marked by alcoholism, emotional neglect, and parents who barely spoke - she began using alcohol and drugs at just 13 to escape overwhelming pain. By 16 she had lost her mother to alcoholism, a loss that profoundly shaped her understanding of addiction, identity, and generational trauma.

Our discussion was honest, raw and so full of heart! Deep gratitude to the Believe in People Team.

I’d also love to share a piece I wrote for the amazing site, The Sober Curator.

If you haven’t had a chance to explore the site, I highly recommend it. They have some awesome contributors and great content!

My recent piece is entitled:

Moving to the Other Side of The World and Staying Sober, Even During the Holidays!

In the article, I talk about the importance of connection (of course!) and about the stress involved in a big move:

I got sober the first time in Tucson, Arizona, two days before my 30^th birthday. I had a wonderful support system of like-minded women who nurtured me and helped me find my feet in early sobriety. Then after several years clean and sober, my husband and I moved to New Zealand. It was a huge move for me — away from my sister, who is also in recovery, and away from my supportive group of sober friends. I was full of grief and fear at losing my connections.

After a year or so, we started a family, I found new friends, and I felt relatively safe. But the recovery community there in our small town in New Zealand felt nothing like my Tucson group. I eventually quit going to meetings — and eventually relapsed. I didn’t feel the connection.

It took a long time to find another like-minded group of people in recovery where I felt safe, supported and connected. I finally settled into recovery again after a 13-year relapse.

Many years later, my children built their lives in Europe, literally the other side of the planet from New Zealand. I knew another big move was probably coming. After my grandson was born, I knew that move was inevitable. Living so far away was not an option, and I knew that I would have to work hard to find new connections.

Relocating to a new country is an exhilarating adventure filled with fresh experiences and opportunities for personal growth. Having made this move myself for the second time, I understand the hurdles and triumphs associated with such a dramatic change; especially while striving to maintain sobriety and create sober connections.

The move was intense and stressful, but I knew it was what I had to do. We moved to be closer to our sons and grandson. But living closer to my sons didn’t mean stepping back into the center of their lives. Of course they love my husband and me, and they want us to be a part of their lives and the life of our grandson, but we needed to start creating a new life for ourselves.

That hasn’t been easy for a lot of reasons: language, culture and meeting new people without the constructs of school community or work colleagues. And sobriety has a way of stripping away false comforts. In New Zealand, I had my home group and familiar rhythm of support. Here, I had to start from scratch — new country, new culture, new language, new community.

If you want to read the rest of the article please do pop over to The Sober Curator and finish the article and have a look around!

Finally let me say - Thank You for joining me here! I really do appreciate it.

I wish you all a peaceful holiday season - filled with love, joy and connection!

Family Tradition, Song by Hank Williams Jr.

As I was reading an article in The Guardian about Sir Anthony Hopkins talking about his memoir and his addiction, I thought about a line he used:

“Drinking was a family tradition … ”

And boy, could I relate! First of all, I couldn’t help but hear Hank Williams Jr.’s song in my head about his own family tradition, referring to his father, Hank Williams Sr.’s alcoholism and addiction to pain killers which eventually led to his death at the age of 29.

That song was popular when I worked summers in Ketchum, Idaho. I remember singing along to that song and dancing like a wild woman, drunk out of my mind. I sang it out loud because it felt so true. My own mother had died of alcoholism when I was 16 years old, and my sister and I were stumbling along, following the family tradition.

I wrote about my ‘Family Tradition’ on the wonderful website: The Sober Curator.

If you are in recovery or just sober curious, a visit to The Sober Curator is a must! In a nutshell, The Sober Curator is:

Your Go-To Guide for All Things Recovery & Sober Living

The Sober Curator’s PILLAR Content Hub is your one-stop guide for sobriety resources, addiction recovery resources, and sober living tips. From non-alcoholic drink guides to sober travel, entertainment, and lifestyle inspiration, our curated cornerstone articles are regularly updated to keep you informed, inspired, and connected. Whether you’re in recovery, sober curious, or supporting someone you love, this hub offers the sober lifestyle guide you’ve been looking for.

I love the logo - Getting sober matters. Staying sober matters more.

It has great contributors … a vibrant group of contributors working hard to bring you the best content on living a life without alcohol, whether you’re catching up on our website, scrolling through social, or subscribing to our updates. Just like you, we’re unapologetically authentic, wildly creative, and all about keeping sober living anything but boring.

And wonderful informative articles. Like this one:

How our Brains change when we give up Booze:

And some wonderful QuitLit and AddictionFiction recommendations and reviews about all things related to your recovery. Like this fabulous book by Dr. Sarah Michaud, Co-Crazy. A must read for anyone dealing with Codependency (and honestly who isn’t dealing with a bit of codependency one way or the other?!)

I hope I’ve sparked your interest to learn more. Please do wander over to The Sober Curator and explore, I think you’ll be glad you did. And when you’re finished, please leave me a message and let me know your thoughts.

Thanks for spending some time with me today. I really do appreciate it!

The Sober Curator

Their tag line is: Getting Sober Matters - Staying Sober Matters More!

It’s about embracing an alcohol free life … or in other words, creating and embracing a life your don’t want to escape from.

My first piece on their site is called:

So Many Addictions, So Little Time!

Exploring the Concept of Fusion Recovery

(*I’ll include the article here, but please do take the time to explore the website, it really is wonderful!)

When I was in my 20s and bartending in Alaska (yeah, talk about a kid in the candy shop!), I had a T-shirt that said: So many men, so little time! I thought that was so funny — now I can’t believe I actually wore that! Then, in my 30s, raising two young children, I had a T-shirt that said: So many books, so little time! (I would wear that one if I still had it.)

But through it all, the T-shirt that would have been the most appropriate is: So many addictions, so little time!

Addiction was never just one thing for me. It came in layers — drinking, smoking, snorting, trying to control everyone and everything — each one stepping forward the moment another loosened its grip, or as often as not, all of them dancing together. It was a carousel of them, spinning endlessly, daring me to jump off.

Alcohol was my first escape, which made sense. I was raised by two alcoholics. It was readily available, and it softened the sharp edges of the chaotic world that I was raised in. I felt lighter, braver, less alone when I was drunk. The only problem was that even at 13 years old, I was drinking until blackout.

The next addiction in line was speed. A couple of kids sold little white cross-tops at school. I was taking speed most days throughout high school. Then my mother died of alcoholism when I was 16. My world fell apart, and my answer to dealing with everything was to stay high, one way or another. And that was easy; I lived near San Francisco, and this was the 1970s. Drugs were everywhere!

I somehow made it through high school and college, and soon after I graduated, I moved up to Alaska (I heard there were 10 men to every woman, and I liked those odds. Another addiction, perhaps?) This was in the early 1980s, during the oil pipeline boom. There was a lot of money flowing, and with it, a lot of cocaine. It was a dangerous time for me.

Several years passed, and as I aged, I slowed down a bit, but I couldn’t stop drinking completely until I went to my first 12-step meeting. My husband and I were talking about starting a family, and I was absolutely determined to NOT be my mother. So, in 1988, I got sober two days before my 30^th birthday.

When I walked into my first 12-step meeting, I felt such a weight lift off me. I went to a women’s meeting and was enveloped in love! And for the first few years, it was fantastic.

But then we moved, and I moved internally too. I needed to do deeper work. But I was told NOT to talk about anything but alcohol. (This was a small town in New Zealand, and most of the members of AA were older men who said, and I quote: “You have two ears and one mouth, shut up and listen! Don’t drink, come to meetings and you’ll be fine.”)

But I was NOT fine. And when I spoke about other addictions or pain around co-dependency, I was told to go to another room to talk about it. There was one room to deal with alcoholism, another room for the drugs, and yet another for my co-dependency. So, I started going to NA, ACOA and Al-Anon meetings, as well as the AA meetings. And in each room, I was told not to even mention the other addictions or problems besides the one that particular room was focusing on.

The shame was heavy. I thought I was failing the program, failing recovery, failing myself. So I very arrogantly decided I didn’t need 12-step rooms; I could do it myself. And I just quit going to meetings completely. Soon after that, I started drinking again. Without the connection and support, I succumbed once again to numbing out with alcohol. I had been sober for almost 13 years, and then I was out drinking again for over 13 years.

Luckily, I found my way back into the rooms in 2014. But the same dilemma existed — I still had “too many addictions for one room.” I eventually found Double-Winners Meetings (where members spoke about their addiction to alcohol and their co-dependency). and that was a great start.

But I kept thinking, addiction is addiction is addiction! We are all striving for the same thing — to live our lives without the use of whatever substance or behavior we once used to escape our lives. That might be a substance like drugs or alcohol; a behavior like controlling everyone around you to create a sense of security; eating to fill the perceived hole in your life; shopping to fill that same hole; gambling to change your life; or perhaps sex and/or porn to fill the emptiness … the list is long. Basically, we are all looking to build a life that we don’t want to escape from!

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to fuse the concepts together. At first, I thought of doing this like a patchwork quilt; sewing all the different pieces together and trying to make a whole. But then one day, I was on a podcast called “Podcast Recovery,” talking to the hosts Eric and David, and this topic came up. And the more we talked about it, my vision started to change. I started to see the difference between a patchwork approach and a fusion approach; almost like imagining a quilt versus a blender. A quilt has all the patches different and quite distinct, whereas a blender mixes everything together to make a final liquid.

I pictured it as a dance instead of a static piece!

I think of Fusion Recovery as taking all the important elements from 12-step recovery that we need to stay clean, sober, healthy and consciously grow — without all the limited thinking involved in some 12-step rooms. I envision how it could work: allowing all addicts to work together, whatever their drug or behavior of choice, since it’s all addiction. Identifying, practicing and supporting each other in ways to stay healthy . . . not just abstaining from drinking or using, but also adding important elements.

• A Holistic Approach – considering Mind, Body, and Spirit.

Fusion Recovery considers the whole person, addressing physical health, mental well-being and spiritual growth: eating well and exercising for a healthy body; reading good books and watching good films to nourish our minds; and perhaps most importantly for ongoing sobriety, meditation, contemplation and staying connected to our higher power (whatever that is for each individual) to nourish our spirit.

• Community and Connection

Connection is such an important aspect of 12-step work! So, of course, there would be an emphasis on the importance of building strong, supportive relationships within the recovery community — no matter the addiction.

• Empowerment and Personal Growth

Encouraging individuals to take an active role in their recovery, and if counseling or therapy is needed (as it so often is), to encourage and support individuals in that endeavor.

I like the term Fusion Recovery, because by definition, “fusion is a union or a merging of diverse, distinct or separate elements into a unified whole.” I think of Fusion Recovery like alchemy. And to me, alchemy is like magic. And that is what this feels like to me … to this woman who viewed life as so many addictions, so little time … to be able to find healing really is like magic!

By NEW Sober Curator Contributor: Patti Clark, @patticlarkauthor on IG, Website patticlark.org

Another exciting update Recovery Road Trip was published one year ago.

And to celebrate the book’s one year anniversary, my publisher, She Writes Press, is offering the ebook on sale! You can buy the ebook for only $1.99 from 20 - 30 October!

Please let me know your thoughts about the article, and if you have a chance to explore The Sober Curator, please share your thoughts about the site. It’s full to overflowing with great information. I especially LOVE the section about Co-Dependency! It is informative and so healing!

Codependency – Insights & Recovery with Dr. Sarah Michaud

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Advertising and Alcohol Enticement

When we look at how alcohol advertising is targeting the population of aging women, it becomes obvious that they are trying to seduce us, and it could kill us! Alcohol companies employ various strategies to market to older women:

Health-Conscious Messaging

Some brands highlight low-calories or organic options, showing a few friends getting together for a prosecco after yoga or aqua-aerobics.

Sophisticated Branding

Some brands use upscale packaging, with sophisticated and elegant branding that resonates with older women, designed to convey luxury and refinement.

Social Connection

Some alcohol campaigns portray alcohol consumption as a means of socializing and connecting with friends and family, and often feature mature women enjoying wine or cocktails in social settings, promoting the idea of shared experiences.

Influencer Partnerships

It’s become common for brands to collaborate with influencers or celebrities who resonate with older women.

Advertising Is Everywhere

It’s not just the ads showing older women drinking at virtually every celebration and get-together. But most movies and TV shows consistently show women of a certain age with a glass of wine in their hands:

And speaking of book clubs, it doesn’t take long to find memes on social media about alcohol and women and books, with so many jokes online that book groups are just an excuse to get together and drink. With memes like:

• “Our book club reads wine labels.”

• “Come to my house for book club, and by book club I mean wine.”

• “We started a book club to have a reason to drink wine.”

• “My book club can drink your book club under the table.”

• “Oh, you read important books at your book club, how sweet! We just drink wine.”

Memes targeting older women are abundant on Pinterest:

Here’s to being mature enough to celebrate wine Wednesday instead of Tequila Tuesday.

Just spend a bit of time on Facebook or Instagram:

Look for #VodSquad #WineTime; the majority of participants using these hashtags are women over 50, which is the main demographic of Facebook these days.

I can hear people thinking: Oh, it’s just a bit of fun, what’s the problem?

Alcohol, Women and Health – The Stats

According to recent data, alcohol-related deaths among women is rising at an alarming rate. The number of women dying from alcohol-related causes in the United States has increased by more than 85% from 1999 to 2020.

And those numbers are rising for older adults, particularly older women. The death rates for older women has increased from 10.2 to 12.9 for those aged 65–74, and from 4.4 to 5.3 for those aged 75 and over.

Why the Health Risks Are Different for Women

So how does alcohol impact women’s health in general and why is it different for women than men? First there is the difference in body composition and metabolism. Women usually have more body fat and less water content than men, and because alcohol is water soluble and not fat soluble, alcohol is more concentrated in a woman’s body, which leads to a higher blood alcohol concentration.

Women also tend to have a slower metabolism so they metabolize alcohol more slowly. This means that alcohol stays in a woman’s system longer, increasing its effects and its harm. Hormonal factors can also play a role in how women process alcohol. Higher estrogen levels can intensify alcohol’s impact.

The way that women’s bodies process alcohol leads to increased health risks. Women are more susceptible to alcohol related liver damage than men. Women are at a greater risk of developing alcohol induced cardiovascular diseases than men. Alcohol consumption also increases the risk of several types of cancer in women (including cancer of the mouth, throat, esophagus, liver and colon.) And drinking alcohol is associated with breast cancer in women, even at low levels of consumption.

The specific health risks for older women are more complex due to a combination of physiological, hormonal, and social factors.

Physiological Changes

First, we can consider the physiological changes: As women age, muscle mass tends to decrease while body fat increases. Alcohol is distributed in body water, so the higher fat content can lead to increased blood alcohol concentration (BAC) even if the amount consumed remains the same.

Metabolism

Then there is metabolism. The liver’s ability to metabolize alcohol declines with age. Older women often process alcohol more slowly, leading to prolonged effects.

Hormones

And of course, there are the hormonal changes with the onset of menopause. Menopause results in a decrease in estrogen levels, which can alter how alcohol affects the body. Estrogen is believed to protect against some harmful effects of alcohol, and its reduction increases vulnerability.

Chronic Conditions

There is also the obvious increased risk of chronic conditions that alcohol consumption can exacerbate. Health issues common in older women, such as hypertension, liver disease, diabetes, and certain types of cancer have increased in occurrence. And bone health is impacted, too. Alcohol can interfere with calcium absorption and bone density, increasing the risk of osteoporosis and fractures.

And finally, alcohol use can impact cognitive function. Older women are at a higher risk of developing alcohol-related dementia. Over time, excessive drinking can damage brain cells, shrink brain tissue, and impair blood flow, all of which can contribute to cognitive decline and dementia.

Women, Alcohol and Creativity

Another damaging myth that impacts women as we age is that alcohol consumption makes you more creative. (I hear this a lot in workshops!)

However, recent research completely debunks this myth.

A recent study by Essex University and Berlin’s Humboldt University, worked to debunk the myth that drugs and alcohol make a person more creative, examining hundreds of papers. It concluded that,

“It doesn’t do anything for creativity,”’ Dr Panel Hanel told The Guardian.

But this is for another article …

(If you’re interested, you can read my past articles about creativity and the aging brain here and here)

So with all this in mind – not to be a kill joy – but the next time you think to yourself, I have to have a bit of bubbly to make this occasion a Real Celebration, perhaps consider a few bottles of sparkling water with some colorful slices of lemon and lime, and save your body, mind and spirit!

I wanted to share a few updates. I have been selected to be a contributor to Sixty and Me, the wonderful online community of 500,000 women over 60. It has some great articles about life for women over sixty, including well-being, health and wellness, creativity and so much more. Of course most of my articles are about creativity and/or women and alcohol. If you are interested in reading more, here are a few links:

‘But I Feel More Open and Creative When I Drink or Use Drugs … And Other Damaging Myths’

‘Aging Women Are Still Drinking Too Much – And It’s Killing Us!’

Creativity Is Important, Especially as We Age! And Yes We Are ALL Creative!

We All Need a Little CPR (Creative Positive Reframing)

It was my absolute pleasure to have a conversation with Nicole Kalil on ‘This is Women’s Work’ Podcast! We talked about: Women, Addiction and Recovery

Addiction doesn’t look the same for everyone — and for women, it often comes with an extra helping of shame, silence, and stigma. In this episode of This Is Woman’s Work, we’re unpacking how addiction and recovery show up differently for women, why the traditional recovery narrative often falls short, and what it actually takes to reclaim your life in a way that feels true, honest, and yours.

I’m joined by Patti Clark—award-winning author, speaker, and middle-aged woman in long-term recovery—who knows this road from both the inside and out. In her newest book, Recovery Road Trip: Finding Purpose and Connection on the Journey Home, Patti shares stories and tools that help women not just survive addiction, but heal, grow, and reconnect with themselves.

We talk about purpose, connection, creative healing, and why recovery is about so much more than sobriety—it’s about coming home to yourself. Whether you’re on this road or know someone who is, this episode is packed with truth, tenderness, and the reminder that there’s always hope.

And finally I was on an amazing podcast called Sisters In Sobriety with sisters in law, Kathleen and Sonia, with my own sister Karin Clark: ‘When Sisters Heal Together’

In this episode, Sonia and Kathleen are joined by sisters Patti and Karin Clark for a conversation about breaking the cycle of intergenerational addiction and reclaiming personal identity. Patti is an award-winning author whose books blend emotional sobriety and self-reflection, and Karin is a counselor and educator with decades of experience in trauma and addiction recovery. Together, the sisters reflect on how their upbringing shaped them—and how recovery allowed them to rewrite their own stories.

We talk about the roles we unconsciously play in dysfunctional families—hero, rebel, mascot—and how these survival strategies can carry into adulthood, often laying the groundwork for addiction, codependency, and emotional suppression. And we tackle some big questions: How do family dynamics influence substance use? Can breaking generational trauma actually stop the cycle? What happens to sisterhood when sobriety enters the room?

Patti and Karin share personal stories of relapse and reconciliation, how their relationship as sisters evolved through recovery, and the beautiful ways their sobriety has rippled through their families. You'll hear about the grief and rage they had to walk through in order to reach forgiveness—not just for others, but for themselves. Their shared journey highlights what happens when we name the truth, do the work, and choose connection over silence.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on any of this.

As always - Thank you for being here, I love feeling connected.

Do you ever feel like your inner voice is not your best friend? Do you find that voice telling you that whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it wrong? My inner chatter is often telling me that I’m not doing ‘it’ right. It doesn’t matter what ‘it’ is – doing a task, helping someone to do something, even just trying to meditate.

I used to think that I was alone in this and that I was just flawed and hopeless. Then I started working with other women in workshops and discovered that almost all of us do this one way or another. It is painful to realize how many of us believe these negative voices in our heads.

And once we hit the age of about 55, many women claim that the voices get even louder; and a big new message is added: It’s too late, nothing will ever change.

When I look back, I realize that I received plenty of negative messages growing up and that I accepted the messages which told me I was doing something wrong, or that I as a person was flawed in some way. And these messages created new neural pathways which became embedded in my brain.

Some Background on Neural Pathways

A neural pathway is the way that information travels through the neurons, or nerve cells of the brain. We create new neural pathways every time we hear or experience something new. The more we experience something, the more embedded this pathway becomes, and unfortunately, a lot of us have some very negative messages firmly rooted in our brains.

Once those neural pathways are deeply embedded, changing them is not an easy task.

Is there a way to overcome the negative stories that we once heard and now continue to tell ourselves? Is there a way to shift those pathways so that they are less destructive?

Forming new behaviors and habits involves creating new neural pathways.

And we are never too old to do this! It just may take a bit more time.

Creative Positive Reframing

There is a practice I use which brings about changes in the neural pathways. I’ve coined it: Creative Positive Reframing. This practice can help take limiting beliefs and creatively transform them so they become supportive rather than destructive.

You can reframe your thoughts and create a new perspective. Try using these five steps:

Pay Attention

Pay attention to your thought process. You can tell if the thoughts are self-defeating and destructive if they negatively impact your body; for example, a knot in your stomach or a lump in your throat, clenched jaw or tight shoulders. Scan your body to check in. Observe/pay attention to what thoughts you want to change and why; what is the negative impact on your life?

Get the Negative Out

Nature abhors a vacuum. When you cannot get out of a negative thought spiral – write it out. Get it out of your head by emptying it out on paper. Think of it as an emotional enema! Write about all the negativity spiralling around in your head. Allow a stream of consciousness to flow and let it all come out. Write it out as it comes.

If you feel stuck, write about feeling stuck. If you can’t get moving, draw lines or Xs to get the energy moving, and then as negative thoughts come up, write them out. Keep writing until the thoughts stop coming. And then tear the paper up. Burn it. Stamp on it. Get rid of it!

Shift Your Focus

Interrupt your thoughts and patterns when the negative thoughts arise. Use your imagination – think about something positive, create a positive scenario. Create a specific plan and choose what to do instead of dwelling on the negative thoughts.

Negative self-talk can be replaced by focusing on something positive. Doctor Rick Hanson did several studies on ‘Negativity Bias’, the brain’s natural tendency to focus on the negative instead of the positive. He states:

Our brains are wired to take in the bad and ignore the good. That’s why it’s easier to ruminate over bad things than to bask in the pleasure of the good things in life. Because of the brain’s negativity bias, we’ve evolved to learn quickly from bad experiences, and slowly from good ones.

His studies show that the best way to shift that bias is to deliberately weave positive experiences into the fabric of your brain. And one of the easiest ways to do this is by focusing on something positive (a sunset, a beautiful flower, a caring person) and savor the moment. Spend time really focusing on your gratitude for the person, thing or event. (Watch for another article coming soon with more about the importance of gratitude and the brain, especially as we age.)

Think About the Ideal and Be Clear Why You Want It

In order to create new neural pathways and escape the negative spiral, it’s important to have a replacement to start thinking about. For example, if you are stuck in fear about money, and in a negative loop, start thinking about the flip side and create a picture of the ideal.

Describe your ideal financial situation, be as specific as possible. Have fun with this: let your imagination be your guide. You don’t need to write this out, just tell yourself the story. Picture yourself living the life of your dreams; actually feel how good it feels.

And then focus on the why. The why is very important. Why is this change in your life important? For example, allow yourself to really examine why having more money would make a difference in your life. What is the deepest reason you want this to manifest? Keep going deeper and deeper into why you want to achieve this until you feel like you have hit the heart of it. You will know it when you have hit it, there will be an emotional charge linked to it. Allow yourself to feel the depth of that emotion.

Be Creative

While you are focusing on shifting limiting beliefs into more positive and supportive beliefs, it is helpful to be creative in the process. An expression of creativity, in any form, can be helpful in shifting our mood and removing us from a negative spiral. Not only that, but repressed creativity can have the opposite effect, and can ultimately express itself in unhealthy ways, such as bad relationships, stress, neurotic or addictive behaviors.

Perhaps the most common manifestation of repressed creativity in women is depression, which, of course, only increases the negative downward spiral. But how can we be creative and how can we open ourselves up to our own creative potential?

There are so many ways we can get creative, and they all involve play: start journaling and play with words; get some oil pastels and play with color; go outside, garden, and play in the dirt; learn an instrument, dance, and play with music; cook and play with spices. There is no right or wrong way to be creative. The only important thing is to allow ourselves to connect with our own creativity.

Keep Reminding Yourself, You Are Never Too Old to Be Creative!

So, the next time you hear that inner voice telling you that you are doing it wrong or that it’s too late, try using these tools to creatively and positively reframe that message. The next time you find yourself falling into a negative spiral, use these tools to tackle those limiting beliefs, and transform them so that they are supportive rather than destructive.

And use that innate creativity to help transmute the whole experience!

I’d love to hear your thoughts about Creatively Reframing your experience.

*This article was first published on Sixty and Me . You can find my articles there Or on my website.

TRIBE SOBER ZOOM CAFE - with Patti Clark #tribesober

You can check out my latest podcasts and article on my website:

https://www.patticlark.org

Please let me know your thoughts about this video or any of the other videos on my site. I love hearing from you!

On the Fit for Joy Podcast:

Please let me know your thoughts after you watch this podcast. I am eager to hear from you!

– Ralph Waldo Emerson.

When I was almost thirteen years clean and sober, I left 12-step recovery, and not long after that, I relapsed and started drinking again. It was never my intention to relapse, but it’s not a huge surprise that it happened.

Reflecting back, I went to my first AA meeting two days before my thirtieth birthday. I walked into a woman’s meeting and I felt love, I felt accepted and I felt more ‘at home’ than I ever did in the house where I grew up. I did everything I was told to do; I read the literature, I did the steps, I followed my sponsor’s advice. I was committed to being sober for the children that I hoped to have and I was fiercely determined to not be my mother, who had died of alcoholism when I was sixteen.

The first few years of sobriety were beautiful, very much the pink cloud that I had read about. But then my husband and I moved away. I left the town where I got sober, left the women who had become my support community and ended up in a town on the other side of the world. The very small 12-step community in the small town that I moved to did not practice the principals of the program the way I had been taught. And I began to feel estranged, I felt like I did not belong. It was so different from my original women’s meeting.

It was mostly old men in the rooms, and most of them did not want to talk about feelings or emotional sobriety. If I talked about loneliness or feeling lost, I was told: ‘Just don’t pick up and go to meetings!’ I was told to sit and be quiet: ‘You have two ears and one mouth. Sit and listen.’ I felt bullied and scared and alone.

I quit going to meetings; I decided that I could do it alone, that I didn’t need meetings. I thought that I understood my drinking habits, that I understood the underlying causes . . . I had done A LOT of therapy at that point. And not long after, I decided that I could drink a bit and I’d be fine.

I made deals with myself; I could have 2 glasses of wine, but no more, after school with the other mothers. I could have 2 beers, but not more, at the pizza party. I was fastidiously ‘controlling’ my drinking behavior . . . until I wasn’t.

I was out in the drinking world for over thirteen years, until I decided enough was enough. I had had enough of the hangovers, enough of the shame of my drunk behavior, and just plain enough of the alcohol-shame merry-go-round.

When I came back to 12-step recovery, I decided to talk to other women who had relapsed to find out why they had started drinking or using again, and also why they came back into the rooms.

One of the main reasons that the women I spoke to left 12-step recovery was the patriarchal nature of some meetings. Many of the women I interviewed said that the meetings they attended were attended primarily by men. (*It’s important to note here, that the women that identified this were from smaller towns, usually not on the east or west coasts of the U.S. These were women in Australia, New Zealand or in small towns in the U.S.) These women often felt isolated or uncomfortable in meetings that were predominantly male. The issues that they wanted to discuss, such as trauma or abuse, were not considered ‘appropriate’ topics of discussion in a 12-step room. And yet, these were the very issues that led them into addiction in the first place. I was not the only woman told to ‘just put a plug in the jug and come to meetings!’ Not the only women instructed to ‘just sit and listen!’

Many of the women also really struggled with the archaic, patriarchal way that the Big Book of Alcoholics was written. The Big Book was writen in 1939, by men and for men. Much of the language reflects the time and it can be incredibly off-putting for women. There is even a chapter in the book addressed: ‘To the wives.’ The patriarchal language used in AA is widely written about. A New York Times article explained:

It’s a framework created in the 1930s by upper-middle-class white Protestant men to help people like them overcome addiction.

The women I spoke to were seeking emotional support and looking for connection. Whereas many of them were told that they didn’t need connection with others, all they needed was a good connection with their higher power. Several women said they had never felt lonelier than when they first got sober and could not find new community.

Some women really struggled with the spiritual approach of 12-step recovery. Women brought up in dysfunctional families with unhealthy religious backgrounds could not get past the ‘god reference.’ I had been brought up Catholic, and called myself a ‘Recovering Catholic.’ When I first saw the 12-steps, I reacted very negatively to the idea of incorporating any god into my recovery. Luckily I had a wonderful sponsor who helped me to ‘fire’ the old punishing god that I had been brought up with, and helped me re-define a higher power that felt nurturing instead of punitive.

Some of the women I spoke to who had relapsed had very gender specific mental health issues; they said they felt out of place in 12-step rooms, and yet these issues were often central to why they drank and used in the first place, so could not be ignored.

But these were women who eventually, like myself, did rejoin 12-step recovery. So I was interested in why they came back. Their return was usually driven by a combination of seeking community, needing some sort of structure, and hoping for a renewed sense of hope.

The main reason that I returned, was echoed by most of the women I spoke to, a strong desire for community connection. Johann Hari’s quote is apt here: 'The opposite of addiction isn't sobriety – it's connection.' As I mentioned in the beginning of this article, when one finds the right meeting, there is such a sense of belonging, a feeling of love, acceptance and a feeling of finding ‘home.’

These women who came back into recovery also talked about missing that sense of shared experience. The 12-step rooms are one of the few spaces where women can share their experiences with other women who have faced similar challenges. These shared spaces reduce the feelings of shame and loneliness that come with addiction. It is one of the few places that offers a completely non-judgemental environment, without fear of condemnation.

In the 12-step rooms, women also spoke of the inspiration from others. Even with relapse, they still believed in the effectiveness of the program. The rooms offered a safe place to talk about the relapse and get insites from others who had also relapsed, or from women who had avoided relapse.

But, and this was emphasised by every woman I spoke to, it was imperative to find the right meeting. Most of the women I spoke to ended up finding a new meeting, usually a women-only meeting, or in my case, creating a brand new meeting that focused on emotional sobriety.

Every woman I spoke to came back to 12-step recovery with a renewed sense of hope and determination. And by the time I interviewed them, most of these women were at least a bit thankful for their relapse; they expressed a renewed sense of humility and acceptance.

I am definitely grateful for my relapse. It brought an understanding and vulnerability that I didn’t have my first time around in recovery. I believe I am more open and empathetic than I was when I got clean and sober the first time. I am reminded of the quote by Dave Kerpen: Humility and vulnerability make us more likeable and relatable. Whenever I tell my story about my relapse at a meeting, invariably at least one woman comes up to me to to say they appreciate my honesty and they feel less ashamed about their own relapse. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

Join Us on Sisters In Sobriety!

What role does creativity play in addiction recovery? How does travel shape self-discovery and healing? What does emotional sobriety truly mean? Patti shares her experience of getting sober, relapsing after 13 years, and finding her way back to a fulfilling life. She also dives into the importance of community, the evolution of recovery beyond traditional 12-step programs, and how addiction can manifest in different ways beyond alcohol.

Listeners will gain valuable insights on the power of emotional sobriety, the impact of community in recovery, and why personal growth is an ongoing process. Patti discusses the necessity of taking pauses, embracing self-compassion, and recognizing the various ways addiction can show up in our lives. Whether you’re newly sober or years into your journey, this episode offers inspiration and practical takeaways on finding meaning and connection beyond alcohol.

This is Sisters in Sobriety, the support community that helps women change their relationship with alcohol. Check out our Substack for extra tips, tricks, and resources.

—MERRIAM-WEBSTER’S COLLEGIATE DICTIONARY

If you’re in a 12-Step program, as I am, perhaps you have had some frustration, as I have, about some of the rigidity experienced in 12-Step rooms. When I first got into recovery in 1988, my main addiction was to alcohol, and I stayed focused on AA for my first couple of years. But after a few years of recovery, I realized that a few other addictions were rearing their heads. In my using days, I had also experienced addiction to speed and cocaine, and crippling codependency.

But when I spoke about my past addictions or pain around codependency, I was told to go to another room to talk about it. There was one room to deal with alcoholism, another room for the drugs and yet another for my codependency. So, I started going to NA, ACOA and Al-anon meetings, as well as the AA meetings.

And in each room, I was told to not even mention the other addictions or problems beside the one that that particular room was focusing on. In early sobriety, I could stay focused on alcoholism, but other problems kept emerging, especially around codependency and growing up in an alcoholic home.

I eventually found ‘Double-Winners Meetings’ (meetings where members spoke about their addiction to alcohol and their codependency) and that was a great start.

But I kept thinking, addiction is addiction is addiction! We are all striving for the same thing, to be able to live our life without the use of whatever substance or behavior that we had used to escape our life. That might be a substance like drugs or alcohol; a behavior like controlling everyone around you to create a sense of security; eating to fill the perceived hole in your life, or shopping to fill that hole; or gambling to change your life; or perhaps sex and/or porn to fill the emptiness … the list is long. Basically, we were all looking to build a life that we don’t want to escape from!

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to fuse the concepts together. At first, I thought if doing this like a patchwork quilt, sewing all the the different pieces together and trying to make a whole. But then one day, I was on a podcast called Podcast Recovery, talking to the hosts Eric and David, and this topic came up. And the more we talked about it, my vision started to change. I started to see the difference between a patchwork approach and a fusion approach; almost like imagining a quilt versus a blender. A quilt has all the patches different and quite distinct, whereas a blender mixes everything together to make the final liquid. I pictured it as a dance instead of a static piece!

On that podcast, we were all so enthusiastic about it. And I thought, I bet there are a lot of us out there thinking about this. So, I wrote about it in my book, ‘Recovery Road Trip’ and I thought I would share it here.

I think of Fusion Recovery as taking all the important elements from 12-Step recovery that we need to stay clean, sober, healthy and consciously grow, without all the limited thinking involved in some 12-Step rooms. I envision how it could work: allowing all addicts to work together, whatever their drug or behaviour of choice, since it’s all addiction. Identifying, practicing, and supporting each other in ways to stay healthy . . . not just abstaining from drinking or using but also adding important elements. Elements like:

· A Holistic Approach – considering Mind, Body, and Spirit. Fusion Recovery considers the whole person, addressing physical health, mental well-being, and spiritual growth: Eating well and exercising for a healthy body; reading good books and watching good films to nourish our minds; and perhaps most importantly for ongoing sobriety, meditation, contemplation, and staying connected to our higher power, (whatever that is for each individual), to nourish our spirit.

· Community and Connection – Connection is such an important aspect of 12-step work! So of course there would be an emphasis on the importance of building strong, supportive relationships within the recovery community, no matter the addiction.

· Empowerment and Personal Growth - Encouraging individuals to take an active role in their recovery, and if counselling or therapy is needed (as it so often is) to encourage and support individuals in that endeavour.

I like the term Fusion Recovery, because by definition “fusion is a union or a merging of diverse, distinct, or separate elements into a unified whole.” I think of Fusion Recovery like Alchemy!

I’d love to hear from you about your ideas regarding Fusion Recovery. Does this concept make sense to you? If so, please let me know why. And conversely, if you have a problem with the idea, I would love to hear about that too. I am sincerely interested in your opinion on this.

And if you are interested in reading more about this concept, you can get Recovery Road Trip here, in different formats: paperback, E-book or audiobook. Or you can find out more about this topic and others on my website: patticlark.org

I look forward to hearing from you!

“You’ve come a long way, Baby,

To get where you’ve got to today.

You’ve got your own cigarette now, Baby.

You’ve come a long, long way!”

– Philip Morris Tobacco Company; Virginia Slims Advertisement, 1968

I was ten years old when the commercial for Virginia Slims cigarettes came out on TV. I thought the ad and the women in it were so cool. I wanted to be that liberated, free woman in the ads with her own cigarette. My own mother smoked boring Lucky Strike cigarettes, and she looked nothing like those modern women in the commercial.

Little did I know, at ten years old, that cigarettes were toxic and deadly. However, it was four years earlier, in 1964, that the Surgeon General released a report that cigarette smoking causes chronic bronchitis and cancers of the lung and larynx. But the ads were so alluring and enticing, and who really reads a surgeon general’s report anyway?

I’m often reminded of that ad and my youthful innocence when I look at how alcohol advertising is targeting women now.

If you are only going to have one glass of wine, make sure it’s the right glass!

Just spend a bit of time on Facebook or Instagram, and you’ll see groups like:

Mommy Needs Vodka (#VodSquad) with 5 million plus followers; Mommy Needs Some Wine; Mommy’s Gin Fund; Why Mommy Drinks Wine, Or all the merch and memes about women and booze: Moma needs some wine on a t-shirt or hoodie.

And there are the groups: Women wine and hiking, women wine and wealth, and, of course, women, wine and books, with too many links to count. There are so many jokes online that book groups are just an excuse to get together and drink.

With memes like:

• Our book club reads wine labels

• Come to my house for book club, and by book club, I mean wine

• Mommy started a book club to drink wine

• Not so loud kids, Mommy had book club last night

• Oh, you read important books at your book club; how sweet! We just drink wine

• My book club can drink your book club under the table

This might all be a bit of a laugh, just a bit of fun … if it wasn’t so deadly.

According to recent data, the number of women dying from alcohol-related causes in the United States has increased by more than 85% from 1999 to 2020.

There are many reasons for this rise, but a significant factor is the targeted advertising and the normalizing of heavy social and binge drinking for women.

Alcohol companies are designing ads that target women. They are making ads that associate drinking with empowerment, echoing those Virginia Slim Ads. This alcohol marketing emphasizes social bonding and has messages that resonate with women about self-care and stress relief. This new ad focus can be referred to as the feminization of alcohol marketing:

One sector in particular has turned its eyes on female buyers: the alcohol industry. “Chick beer” comes in pink packaging with fewer calories. Pastel cocktails dazzle on Instagram to woo women drinkers. Booze, named “Mummy’s Time Out,” targets mums starved for happy hour. And even clothing stores are cashing in, offering T-shirts with slogans like “wine time” drawn in whimsical calligraphy.

So, how does alcohol impact women’s health, and why is it different for women than men? First, there is the difference between body composition and metabolism. Women usually have more body fat and less water content than men, and because alcohol is water soluble and not fat soluble, alcohol is more concentrated in a woman’s body, which leads to a higher blood alcohol concentration. Women also tend to have a slower metabolism, so they metabolize alcohol more slowly, so alcohol stays in a woman’s system longer, increasing its effects and its harm. Hormonal factors can also play a role in how women process alcohol. Higher estrogen levels can intensify alcohol’s impact.

The way that women’s bodies process alcohol leads to increased health risks. Women are more susceptible to alcohol-related liver damage than men. Women are at a greater risk of developing alcohol-induced cardiovascular diseases than men. Alcohol consumption also increases the risk of several types of cancer in women (including cancer of the mouth, throat, esophagus, liver and colon.) And drinking alcohol is associated with breast cancer in women, even at low levels of consumption.

And yet, with all of this information available, women continue to drink to excess, and the number of women dying from alcohol-related causes continues to rise … But who really wants to read all these medical journals about alcohol-related disease and cancer anyway?

Not when the ads and the memes are so fun, alluring and enticing!

Hmmmm, have we really come such a long, long way after all?

The last couple of months have been a whirlwind!

We packed up the house in New Zealand where we have lived for the past thirty years; sorting through everything and selling or giving away about 75% of our stuff; we then shipped the remaining 25% from NZ to Portugal, put our house on the market and solidified our decision to make a permanent move to Portugal. And in the middle of all that, I did a book launch for my new book, Recovery Road Trip! Grateful beyond measure to my local bookstore, Carson’s Books in Thames.

And speaking of gratitude, I’m so grateful for my publicist, Joanne McCall! She has been working overtime getting me on several wonderful podcasts. If you’re interested in listening … here are a few links:

And there are a couple of upcoming events too … Stay Tuned!

And coming in January …. Believe in People … Try Hope!

So much to be grateful for as 2024 ends and 2025 begins. With the political darkness that abounds, and the heavy existential malaise that is hard to avoid …. I find it is essential for me to focus on gratitude whenever possible.

May 2024 end peacefully for you, and as 2025 begins, may you tap into love and hope.

https://www.eatdarlingeat.net/post/walking-through-the-layers

The fragrant scent of rosemary and simmered short ribs wafted from the kitchen, assuring us that we were, indeed, at Grandma’s house. The two of us ran from the front door to the bedroom, which existed as a shrine to our mother and her two sisters. Three twin beds stood sentry in the room, just as they did when “the girls” were young, when they were growing up, when they were going to school, when this house was filled with Italian and English and music and food. Those memories continued to exist under six-foot lengths of butcher paper, covered in perfect rows of puffy floured pillows of pasta and magic. Our mouths were watering in anticipation of the moment we would get Grandma’s ravioli. Finally, the time was upon us.

Oh, that sacred first bite of ravioli. The salty-sweet tang of the focaccia drenched in the generations-old, never-written-down sauce. That first whiff and the visual promise of tradition offered us safety in the midst of a childhood too often filled with fear and confusion. But there were other layers we would all walk through before sitting down for that meal.

Most of the day was made up of gender-divided experiences. We kids, of course, played together in our grandfather's garden, under beds, and with new toys if it was Christmas. Husbands of the sisters gathered in the living room with Grandpa where the beers were opened and “the game” was turned on the television set. Meanwhile, the sisters migrated to the kitchen where the first of many drinks was readied, cigarettes lit, and the serious “work” of the day began. 

That “work” consisted not only of readying the holiday meal (though Grandma was always insistent that she’d completed 90 percent before anyone arrived), but also the catching up, the incessant chatting, and the quiet conversations in Italian that signaled secrets young ears weren’t meant to hear. At the time, it looked like they were really connecting. In general, the conversations steered toward politics and the state of the world.

Then came the time that all the cousins looked forward to, the honor of being the one to very gently release the first ravioli into the boiling cauldron of salted water. The smaller ones among us had to stand on a footstool to get above the huge roiling pot, with Grandma hovering, so frightened was she of the scalding water potentially splashing onto our small arms. Very soon we all gathered at the table, and the nirvana of the meal took center stage, allowing a semblance of “all’s well” to abate any previous angst.

Over time, the level of tension and intensity rose at these gatherings. Hushed conversations would elicit a knowing that something was wrong, but no one would actually talk about it, and we kids knew better than to ask. The drinking became more obvious to us as we got older, and the tension between people rose. More than once, the bathroom would be locked behind someone sobbing. Maintaining the fantasy that culinary perfection could erase the underlying pain grew more difficult. As the chaotic and dysfunctional nature of these holiday scenes increased, so too did our mother’s disease.

Though her alcoholism progressed at an alarming rate once we were tween and teen, when she did cook, it was still heaven. Her leg of lamb was pure gustatorial bliss. Roast turkey or fried chicken meant not only a traditional meal that indicated normalcy but simmering stock and the makings for egg soup. Smoky spare ribs with mashed potatoes and corn on the cob left the house redolent with the scent of old-fashioned summer. One night a week, Saturday, we all sat down together in the dining room so we could pretend that we were a “typical” family with these gastronomical perfections—as long as you didn’t count the fact that no one at the table actually spoke to each other. Or looked at each other. And if they did, the underpinnings were forced and strained.

But then came the ho-ho-ho holiday when our father decided he was done. Two nights before Christmas that year, he packed a suitcase, sneered, uttered a few snide comments, and left. Fear, anger, tears, even hope in a way, descended on our dirty little alcohol-infused home as we grappled with this shock. And then, we went on as if it had always been this way. Our mother never spoke of his leaving, and we were advised never to tell a soul. It was another family secret.

Karin: By now, I was a teen, stuffing food in my mouth to squelch the fear and sadness. No amount of sugar and white flour seemed to help, so I added rage and then dieting. Because of our mom, I didn’t drink much yet; instead, I tried to control my friends’ drinking and drug use.

Patti: I inevitably started drinking and using drugs. After our father left and Karin was away at college, I was home alone with an alcoholic mother who usually passed out before I went to bed. By 13, I was drinking every weekend, taking acid or anything else that could help numb the pain.

Clearly, we were each already carrying the family dis-ease.

When we were 20 and 16, our mother turned yellow. The jaundice screamed of the progression of the alcoholism and likely cirrhosis. It turned out her liver was also filled with cancer. Within a few months, she was dead. The heartbreak and confusion that saturated our respective lives was overwhelming. We coped differently, but there was no mistaking the ironic and toxic presence of drugs and alcohol in each of our lives now.  We couched it in jokes about partying and all of it being ever so fun. Inside we were drowning in grief, fear, and confusion. While the joking and light-hearted demeanor that we presented to the world had a shiny veneer, internally we were struggling. Each in our own way, each with our own stories, the family disease had taken root as an ineffective and obvious way of trying to ward off the grief, not only of losing our mother but being confused about how we were supposed to create our lives. Perhaps the only positive thread that held us together, and that we were able to use as a lifeline, was cooking—together and separately. 

Karin, being the oldest, tried hard to maintain the cooking traditions and elaborate holiday meals, while Patti, the younger of us, didn’t fully embrace the power of those roots until she had her own family. There were times when we did it with the unconscious patterning of the past: elaborate meals to cover the real focus: drinking. But there were also times when the pure intent was to weave a community of people together with love in the form of food. And unbeknownst to us at the time, to somehow heal our family legacy wounds.

Thankfully, each of us ultimately found sobriety, healing, and connection within communities based on facing hard truths and building strong bonds. It feels good, and wonderfully hopeful for future generations, to have halted the legacy of alcoholism and avoidance of difficult feelings, at least in our mother’s lineage. Her addiction and depression led to our losing her far too soon. Today we're proud to own that no one carried the gift for those generational never-written-down recipes the way our mother did. It is the one way we keep her alive and pass some of the best of her on to our own children and their families.

---

Karin Clark is a practicing counselor who specializes in addiction, addictive family systems, and the resultant depression, anxiety, and relational issues that arise. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, until next year when she will move to Portugal. She can be found at www.KarinEClark.com.

Patti Clark is a retired teacher, workshop facilitator, and writer. Her second book, Recovery Road Trip: Finding Purpose and Connection on the Journey Home, will be published in October, 2024. She lives in Portugal and can be found at www.patticlark.org.

- - -

You can go to the Eat, Darling, Eat website to get a recipe for our family’s wonderful Egg Soup, and also read more interesting articles about women, their mothers and food. Enjoy!

https://www.eatdarlingeat.net/post/walking-through-the-layers

But then we moved, and the recovery community where I moved was not like where I had been.  The meetings were very different, and mostly there were not many women.  I missed my tribe.  And then I got arrogant, really arrogant, and figured – ‘Oh I can do this alone, I don’t need anyone else, I’ve got this.’ I quit going to meetings and I started to romanticize what drinking was like, I painted a whole picture of what drinking used to be like and what I used to be like when I drank … and my life started to change and I decided I could drink, and after almost 13 years of recovery I relapsed.  And here is what I learned when I relapsed …

The first think I realized was how much I had romanticized drinking and what drinking was like, and what I was like when I drank.  The reality did Not match the romantic version…

 The next thing I learned was that the hangovers were much worse than I remembered, much more toxic.  Part of that was that I was now 43 years old and my system was much more heavily impacted and could not tolerate the alcohol.  When I drank, I got drunker faster than I remembered from my 20s (when I used to brag that I could drink anyone under the table.)  And my body could not tolerate the toxicity of the alcohol; I got really sick every time I drank… but that didn’t stop me.

 I also re-learned all about shame.  I felt shame absolutely everyday after I drank. I blacked out almost every time I drank, and I felt intense shame trying to remember what had happened the night before … and even more shame when I learned what really did happen. I gave up booze because my own mother died of alcoholism when I was 16 years old, and I swore I would never be that mother… and yet when I picked up booze again after my sons were born, I saw my mother in me.

 And I learned that, perhaps in my 20s drunk people were fun … In my 40s, they were not!  Drunk people are repetitive and boring … they think they are funny, but they aren’t, they do and say stupid and sometimes really offensive things.

 But most importantly, what I learned is that I hated me when I drank.  I did not like my behavior; I hated who I became when I was drunk.

 Thank goodness, I was able to find my way back to recovery, and have been clean and sober again since 2014.  I am healthier, happier and just a much better person since I got back into recovery.  I am grateful beyond measure.

 I have been exploring these topics on TikTok … I know – it sounds ridiculous! A 65+ year old woman on TikTok!  But it has a surprisingly strong recovery community … I was pleasantly surprised.  It was actually my 25 year old sponsee who told me I should get on and share… so I listened to her and it’s been fun! Here’s a link to the video I did about my relapse:

@recoveringwoman#relapse #shame #recoveryispossible #SoberAF #sobriety #recoverytiktok #sobertiktok #wedorecover #addiction #alcoholism #fyp #LoveYourself

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 And here is a link to a wonderful TED talk about relapse:

 There is a lot of shame around relapse, but if a person can find their way back to recovery… I think there is so much we can learn.

“I realized that my sobriety isn’t a limitation. Sobriety isn’t even a “have to” – it’s a superpower.”

― Brené Brown

I heard from a friend in recovery that getting sober and staying sober is one of the most rebellious things you can do in an addictive society. I like that, I like to think of myself as a rebel, I always have. 

With my first substack piece, I thought I would give my backstory. It’s rather long, and it feels sort of self-indulgent to write it out. But it feels like a good time to let people know a bit about me. Most of the people who know me well, know that I don’t drink, that it’s a choice I made many years ago. Being sober isn’t ALL that I am, but it’s a very important piece of who I am. I made the choice for all the right reasons, but it’s not a straight-forward story.

I grew up in a chaotic home, with an alcoholic mother and father. My mother was the identified alcoholic, because she drank at home and got drunk and looked sloppy. My father looked good, drove a good car, had a good job, and also drank a lot, but functioned well. Both were alcoholics, both hugely impacted my childhood obviously. I remember every holiday had massive amounts of booze, family members drank, got drunk, and there was inevitably someone locked in the bathroom crying. There weren’t huge fights often, although they certainly happened. Mostly the drama was sadness, my mother listening to opera records in the kitchen crying, while the ironing piled up next to the ironing board that was always out. The curtains stayed shut at our house, the house remained in perpetual dimness. That’s my memory.

When I was 12 and my sister was 16, my father decided that he didn’t want to live in that dim house anymore and he took off; it was the day before Christmas Eve. The pain was immense. And it became our secret. My mother made us vow not to tell anyone that he had left, it was too shameful. So my sister and I added another shameful secret to our repertoire. Don’t invite friends home; they might see our mother drunk; they might notice our father gone. Shhhh don’t tell anyone anything!

I learned early on that booze numbed the pain and helped deal with the shame. I was about 13 the first time I drank and got drunk. It was pretty inevitable. I drank, I felt cool and rebellious and comfortable in my skin. My memories of high school weekends all involve alcohol, usually of me getting sick and passing out somewhere, wherever we were drinking. Somehow I always made it home, often not remembering how.

Then at 16, my world collapsed. My mother died of alcoholism. I didn’t know how I was supposed to carry on. That period is hazy, I remember drinking a lot and smoking a lot of pot. The pain was too big. I didn’t believe there was any alternative but to numb it out. Fast forward through high school and college, partying a lot, somehow surviving and graduating. The day after graduating from high school, I moved away for the summer and partied most days. And soon after graduating from college, I left CA to drive across country, staying in campsites across the country, always ending the day with a 6 pack of beer. Eventually I moved up to Juneau, Alaska and became a bartender at The Red Dog Saloon … a kid in a candy shop. There was always plenty of booze and the added elixir of cocaine now became prevalent. It felt fun, dangerous, outrageous and oh so rebellious . . . until it didn’t . . . and then it felt scary and like a trap. I remember thinking to myself, if I continue down this path, I am going to die here, either in a car crash or just burning my body out. I remember so clearly imagining standing at a crossroads and having to make a decision: Stay here and continue this life style or get out. Luckily I had the option, an invitation from Jeff, (my friend then who later became my husband) to go travelling and explore the world. So I packed up and left; luckily my savings hadn’t all gone up my nose.

We spent the next 4 years travelling and working around Asia and the South Pacific. When we returned to the US in 1987, I started drinking heavily again. And I got scared. At the time, my sister who had been my drinking and using buddy, had been sober for about two years. She brought me to my first AA meeting. But, of course, I was only there to ‘support’ her. She gracefully introduced me to recovery, but never pushed it on me. Although I had to admit, she had never looked better. She looked radiant since giving up alcohol.

And then I had an interesting confrontation. I went to see an astrologist. She pointed to an area in my chart and said: “Looks like a lot of addiction in your system” – and I said yeah, my mother died of alcoholism; and she said, yeah but there’s more here, and I said yeah my father is also an alcoholic and she looked me in the eye and said: “Yeah but this looks personal … Are you an alcoholic?” Boom! I collapsed in her little room and sobbed. Confronted, the shame was aired, the secret was out, I couldn’t hide. I felt ashamed, but I remembered how much healthier and more vibrant my sister had been since giving up alcohol. So in January 1988, two days before my 30^th birthday, I went to my first AA meeting on my own. I walked into a woman’s meeting and I felt love, acceptance and at home. Grateful beyond measure. I’d love to say I’ve been sober and happy ever since, but as I said earlier, it’s not that straight-forward.

I wanted to stay sober because Jeff didn’t like being around me when I was drunk… fair enough, neither did I. And I was committed to being sober for the children that Jeff and I were planning to have; I was fiercely determined not to be my mother. In 1989, Jeff and I got married, we had a sober wedding; it was beautiful. In 1992, we moved to New Zealand, Jeff got a job teaching and we decided NZ would be a wonderful place to raise a family. We had our two sons in a small town in NZ on the coast of The Coromandel Peninsula. Life was good, I felt content. I found a very small AA community in our small town and went to meetings. I do not want in anyway to blame anyone in that community … but I began to feel estranged, I felt like I did not belong. It was so different from my women’s meeting in Tucson. It was mostly old men in the rooms, and most of them did not want to talk about emotional sobriety, or talk about much else besides ‘Just don’t pick up and go to meetings!’ When I did talk about feelings and discomfort and didn’t respond well to ‘Just don’t pick up and go to meetings’ – I felt bullied and quit going to meetings. It was about that time that both boys were in school, and my full time motherhood role was diminished. And the social scene I found myself in often consisted of wine on the deck of one of the mother’s houses, while the kids played outside. The wine was alluring, the scene was cool and I felt like I didn’t belong with the sober people in town. I was also feeling strongly that I understood my drinking habits, that I understood the underlying causes . . . I had done A LOT of therapy at that point! So in 2000, after 12 years of sobriety, I decided that I could drink a bit and I’d be fine. In short, I felt arrogant and in control.

I made deals with myself; I could have 2 glasses of wine on the deck with the other mothers, but no more. I could have 2 beers at the pizza party with the other families but not more. I was fastidiously ‘controlling’ my drinking behaviour . . . until I wasn’t. After several years, I was hiding how much I was drinking, making sure no one noticed when I refilled my glass, hiding wine bottles at the bottom of recycling, lying to people about how much I was drinking on a regular basis. I wasn’t drinking every day, I wasn’t getting in trouble, I lied about it being all under control, but mostly I was lying to myself and I knew it.

In 2014, just before my youngest son left for college, I had this thought in my head: “Once the kids are out of the house, I can drink as much as I want to!” and I knew that was really sick thinking, terrifying. I journaled and thought about where I was, who I was and who I wanted to be. I wrote about being My Best Self . . . and realized that that best version of myself did not include alcohol. So on the first of November 2014, I gave up alcohol again, this time, hopefully, for good.

And what I’ve come to realize about my sobriety this time around is that I am doing it for me. I’m not sober for my sons although obviously I do want to be a good mother. And I’m not sober in order to hang on to my husband, although Jeff has said many times that he likes me a lot more when I’m not drinking. No the decision not to drink came because I want to like me, I want to be proud of me, I want to feel good about myself. I was ready.

And I believe that this is an act of rebellion in this day and age.

Just check out the social media groups: Moms Who Need Wine, Mommy needs a beer, Mommy needs Vodka, Women and Wine - with hundreds of thousands of followers.

Search online, and you’ll find hundreds of memes that joke about why women need a drink to get through the day or week -- whether it’s related to their kids or their job. There’s an endless supply of products around this topic -- like wine glasses emblazoned with the words “Mommy’s Little Helper.”

After that rebellious decision to quit drinking, I knew I needed to find like-minded people. I joined quite a few ‘sober communities’ online, but I didn’t want to return to the AA rooms here in my small town. But then a wonderful thing happened; I saw a couple my own age that I recognized from past times in the recovery community here. I approached the woman and asked if she was still in recovery and she said yes. And to make a long story a bit less long, we created our own meeting, focusing on emotional sobriety, free of bullying and open to anyone wanting to deal with any kind of addiction. We follow the tenets of NA, but are open to everyone dealing with any addiction. We are focused on love and openness and community.

What I have found recently is that almost every time I talk about my recovery and choosing not to drink, someone asks me more about it, and often people reach out to me for help. And that feels important.  And I guess with all the ‘sober influencers’ now, it feels safer to ‘come out’ – Instagram Hashtags like: #SoberCurious, #SoberLife, #SoberAF, and #SoberIsSexy are becoming common in the social media universe. Celebrities are coming out as sober; people are talking about it as a sane choice in an insane world. Powerful women like Brené Brown are celebrating their sobriety publically. Quotes like this one from Mary Karr are found popping up:

“When I got sober, I thought giving up [alcohol] was saying goodbye to all the fun and all the sparkle, and it turned out to be just the opposite. That’s when the sparkle started for me.”

I believe that this lifestyle has allowed me to sparkle as well. To choose not to drink and use in a society where drinking and using is pushed on us continuously feels like a rebellious act, and as I said I’m Patti and I’m a Rebel.